Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
