Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point