[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.