Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.