I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
This hospital has everything
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”