Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

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Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit


Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”


Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.


Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot


Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.


Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing


HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.


Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.


[training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people


Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.