Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit
Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?
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Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.