just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Maths meets science
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
The French word for sex is croissant.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving