Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.