@Mr_Kapowski

[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

@TheAlexP

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

@ChicksRule

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

@KentWGraham

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

@YUCKYBOT

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

@skickwriter

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

@weinerdog4life

Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?

@ddsmidt

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.