[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
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fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery