*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
yeah not falling for this one
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The little toadstool has spoken.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
🍞🦆
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching