*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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She was REALLY feeling it.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
You got this…
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”