[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry