*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
You Might Also Like
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.