1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”
If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.
Me *dying*: Tell my wife I like like her
People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!
ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.
ANTS: The what now?
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO