Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I vote for less election coverage
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA