@KeetPotato

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

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@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

@VisionBored1

Someone asked me what my most attractive quality is and I just said lasagna

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

@joeljeffrey

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

@andlikelaura

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA