henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

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Fun Prank:
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
4.) Relax


It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in


“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”


If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.


People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.


GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!

ANTS: Hooray!

ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.

ANTS: The what now?


If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.


[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”