i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.