@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

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@illuminateddino

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

@NicestHippo

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
“No!”
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
“Indiana”
[jury gasps]

@SortaSarcastic

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

@TuffyNyC

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

@_NTFG_

When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

@10InchesPlus

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

@Vodkantots

The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.