Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.