This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
fair
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.