[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
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ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man
a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?
This Polar Bear is my spirit animal
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Blossom: So you like that?
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever