@shkeeber

Her: 911, what’s your emerge-

Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!

Her: Sir, that’s not an em-

Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!

Her: I’ll send an officer.

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@KagroX

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

@Scdavis24

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

@TimJohnish

“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

@ClassADude

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

@d1dynasty_

Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details

Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now

Guy :

@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

@mommajessiec

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess