The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
You Might Also Like
They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.
“I see that you’re wearing a black shirt, so I’m going to be extra affectionate today.” -Cats
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details
Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Twitter is the new flypaper.