@shkeeber

Her: 911, what’s your emerge-

Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!

Her: Sir, that’s not an em-

Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!

Her: I’ll send an officer.

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@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

@funflaps

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@OrangeFact

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

@incorrectmarvel

your girlfriend/boyfriend should NOT be your first priority… your first priority should ALWAYS be spider-man

@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@MarfSalvador

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

@crylenol

What idiot named him Spider-Man instead of Peter Parkour?

@fatherofcomedy

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

@Sickayduh

Joey: WHOA
Blossom: So you like that?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever