What my back needs
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I am a gravy boat captain
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Fries, not lies.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.