If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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mosquitoes nowadays be pullin down ya socks to bite you
In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.
There is a 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding a piece of cheese.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar..
..and it burns to the ground and it’s finally safe to turn the radio back on.