HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

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mosquitoes nowadays be pullin down ya socks to bite you


In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.


There is a 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding a piece of cheese.


so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it


Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Adam Levine walk into a bar..

..and it burns to the ground and it’s finally safe to turn the radio back on.