Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
You Might Also Like
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.