Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Admin smashed it 😂
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking