Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you