Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
#gardening
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
🌱🌱🌱