her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
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me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.