@david8hughes

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

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@finkelsteino

Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he’s in there the more powerful he’ll become.

@Ochie2S

Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself

Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

@CatsVsHumanity

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

@BambamVictoria

My boyfriend said to surprise him for his birthday so I moved all my stuff into his house while he was at work.

@AbbieEvansXO

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@DanMentos

“Ed’s Plumbing”
Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet
“ok when did your lady drop-”
She didn’t
“Sir?”
I hid it in her dessert

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter