Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
How funny!
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.