her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

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I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.


My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke


ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family


Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.


fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it


Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.


teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?


*rises out of neighbor’s hot tub* I’d like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems…


Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.