@clichedout

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

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@WillSaysStuff

I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.

@stuzario

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@Bob_Janke

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

@minivansandgin

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

@MarfSalvador

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

@Sassafrantz

*rises out of neighbor’s hot tub* I’d like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems…

@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.