Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.