GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!
Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..
Joan of Arc was sainted but I’m the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!