[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”