@looktothepickle

Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

@sadhatterskwrl

I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!

@PoonWhisperer1

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Joan of Arc was sainted but I’m the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.

@patnelke

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@PerfectPending

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!