HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.