@dave_cactus

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

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@TheCatWhisprer

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

@mactx85

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

@FatherWithTwins

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

@texasstalkermom

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

@FU_TangClan

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@AnniemuMary

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.