Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
What the hell happened in there??
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting