Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.