Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.