HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
screw you
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”