Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
it’s the silliest best thing
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?