[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary