@AndrewNadeau0

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

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@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

@AngryRaccoon2

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

@jellybnbonanza

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

@dreamthievin

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

@copymama

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

@buhsbaby_baby

Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.

@bsnc64

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

@SardonicTart

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.