HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

You Might Also Like


My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today


My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.


After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.


Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends


Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.


Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.


Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.


Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.