@cajones113 If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
@ShortSleeveSuit HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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@cajones113 
@LackOfShame Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
@kirstenmorry Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!
@ThugRaccoons Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
@junejuly12 He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
@junejuly12 I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
@simoncholland You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
@AlsBoy Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either
@jellybnbonanza My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
@EliseRose5 Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.