@Pork_Chop_Hair: I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@noneofyours99: I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven't heard from them since. Best decision ever

@Sickayduh: Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn't mean he's racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I'd start over.

@david8hughes: [first day as a lion tamer] Me: ok you need to settle down

@BrainFumbles: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-" I choose dare, your honor "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"