@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

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@RocketRankoon

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

@ZachXJ

Little kid next to me on a plane just ate the preservative packet out of his jerky, looked at me and said, “Don’t tell my mom.”

@TheHyyyype

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro