@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

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@daemonic3

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

@Jesusontwittorr

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

@murrman5

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

@dumbbeezie

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

@Jandalize

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

@msevilroyslade

Donโ€™t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.