@daemonic3
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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@daemonic3
@PersianRose1
@Jesusontwittorr
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
@murrman5
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
@dumbbeezie
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
@Jandalize
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
@evrybodydogfood
just remembered this lol
@msevilroyslade
Donโt be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
@TheMichaelRock
Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.
@ChemBtwnUs
My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”