HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

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JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..


To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later


[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that


If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go


As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.


Donโ€™t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.