@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

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@cajones113

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

@LackOfShame

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

@kirstenmorry

Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

@junejuly12

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@AlsBoy

Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either

@jellybnbonanza

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

@EliseRose5

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.