HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones