You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?
-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest
She’s. A. Dude.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower