@BraandoCommando

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

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@underchilde

You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.

@OwenJones84

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@carlyken

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

@pilau

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

@mynameisntdave

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[deathbed]
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.
*flatlines*

@UnFitz

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower