her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

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You’re the author of your own story, which is probably why it sucks.


Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace


The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*


When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.


Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.


Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?

-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest

She’s. A. Dude.


“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower