her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
i will not be silenced
Eat…
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
FRED: right
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.