If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
me: yes please
her: how do you take it?
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Him: I don’t trust myself round you
Her(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
“welcome to the navy seals”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[taking out trash]
Me: Hey, I’m Jo. I live over there
Neighbor: Yes, you say that every week.
M: I’m sorry, I’m high af
N: You say that, too
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus