her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again


Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’


Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom


[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
“welcome to the navy seals”


On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.


[taking out trash]
Me: Hey, I’m Jo. I live over there
Neighbor: Yes, you say that every week.
M: I’m sorry, I’m high af
N: You say that, too


ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts


The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.


The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus