@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

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@twylaredsun

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

@Tmoney68

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

@EmmaManzini

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

@BakedBrotatoes

[Job Interview]

*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*

*fixes tie*

*checks breath*

IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

@samdunsiger

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

@Book_Krazy

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

@Laser_Cat

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

@envydatropic

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.