Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.


[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.


*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.


Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”


superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?


are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]


Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.


Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?


Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?


Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*


An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.