I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.
Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?
*gets leg dropped*
An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.