Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats