Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

still the best tweet of the year by far

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.