@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

- @ShortSleeveSuit

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@iwearaonesie

[dinner]
son *sigh* What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *slides my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*

@bridger_w

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

@D2BMcG

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

@RocketRankoon

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

@JessObsess

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me