HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
mariah carrie
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.