Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You Might Also Like
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
lmao
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF