her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.