If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat