her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Imma just leave this here…………
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
This classic never gets old . . .