Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.


My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.



When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.


I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.


Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.


Can’t live with ’em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.


Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.


I’m going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*


I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”