HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice