Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
As the Lord intended
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…