@Tipocazzuto

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

@thomaskeamon

I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating

@JustMeTurtle

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

@SJSchauer

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

@senderblock23

Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.

@irishrygirl

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.