During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.