HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Ugh but profoundly
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Love this one 😂🧟
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.