@dadmann_walking
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
@SirEviscerate
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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@dadmann_walking
@blade_funner
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
@JPLFR80
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
@shutupmikeginn
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
@lisaxy424
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
@ArfMeasures
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
@MythicPicnic
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
@SveldtSmelt
I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
@radtoria
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
@sixfootcandy
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.