@KylePlantEmoji

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

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@ComedicBust

Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.

@hammbone84

If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.

@ClaytonSykes

I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously

@darksidedeb

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

@Marlebean

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

@Mikecanrant

A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.

Stay in school kids.

@dumbbeezie

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

@Jfficial

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?