Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
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If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.
I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him.
Stay in school kids.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?